Hallo-ween

Maandagaand (31.10.11) was weer Halloween, die aand waar daar wêreldwyd  met kindertjies tot laatnag rondgeloop is, van huis tot huis opsoek na ‘n lekkertjie, selfs vir die ouer wat die moeite gedoen het om saam te loop.  Skaars fondse is gestroop vir Dracula-tanne, Heks-neuse, hoede, man enige aaklige vermomming om jou soos iets uit die dood te laat lyk, sommiges het dit nie eers nodig gehad nie, foeitog!

 Halloween is nie iets waarmee ons groot geword het nie;  dit was maar ‘n dag soos enige ander.  ‘n Gewonde dag waar die enigste skok wat jy dalk kon verwag, die felheid van die rooiaas-koppe wat lê en ryp raak op die strand.  Ons trek toe na Engeland en moes vinnig aan al dié goed gewoond raak, Halloween, Guy Fox, Diwalli ensovoorts.  Hier voel dit my skiet hulle klappers met elke geleentheid wat hom voordoen;  hulle sal seker dieselfde sê oor ons braaiery.

Die eerste aand was ons heeltemal onverwags gevang.  Die klokkie het gelui en voor my staan toe ‘n knie-hoë feetjie, met haar boeta in die agtergrond, ‘n mengsel van Dracula en die Frankenstein monster.  Verleë moes ons hulle wegstuur en sê “Jammer, maar Oom en Tannie ken nie dié goed nie” als in Engels natuurlik.  Die situasie het vererger soos dit later word, want een na die ander en soos die tyd aanstap, het die kindertjies voor die deur, ouer en groter geword.  Die laaste klop aan my deur was ‘n snuiter met ‘n kappie (‘n “Job of “Hoodie” het ek later geleer) met sy maats wat halfgat oor my muurtjie hang.

Ek is begroet met “Jo!” met sy armpies wat lyk of dit na iets gryp.

“Jeees?” vra ek toe mooi, soos ons geleer is.

“Trick or Treat innit” sê die mannetjie en kyk my aan met groot oë. 

“Wat sê die mannetjie hier?

En soos gewoonlik moes Madél toe inspring, want die staar tussen my en boeta raak toe te lank en ongemaklik.  Sy lippie het begin bewe, foeitog dit was seker sy eerste kennismaking met ‘n Suid-Afikaanse man.

Die dag daarna is ons vertel hoe gelukkig ons was dat ons huis nie met meel en eiers bemors is nie. Dis glo wat op jou wag as jou “Treats” nie na wense is nie.  Ek glo maar dat hulle die nuwe intrekers ‘n kans wou gee, veral daai groot rooie met die Germaanse aksent, want dié kon enige “Treat” in ‘n “Trick” verander.

Nou is ons jaarlikse ritueel om die ligte af te skakel en te hoop die “monsters van die nag” hou verby, maar vir die verdwaalde enetjie wat wel klop, hou ons ‘n ou suuuur lekkertjie gereed, die perfekte kompliment vir die aand…

                                                                                                                                                                © 2011 Conrad Brand

I am Published - Dronkste in die Wêreld!

To describe my excitement at the moment is impossible.  I have just read my story in the online newspaper as per my website www.conradbrand.com. and I post it here to share with my friends all over the world.  I know it's in Afrikaans, but hopefully next time an English contribution from me will be published.

The Newspaper is a new initiative for the local West Coast Community in South Africa, called Weskus Onbeperk and they can be found at http://www.weskus-onbeperk.co.za/

Dronkste in die wêreld!

Ek lees met gees die stuk oor die dronkste man in die Wes-Kaap wat laasweek in Saldanha vasgetrek is.

Dit laat my dink aan ‘n ou vrind wat darem sy beste gedoen het om  vir dieselfde erkenning in aanmerking te kom, indien nie om dit loshande te wen nie.

Dit was bietjie meer as tien jaar gelede in Kaapstad, toe mens nog saans kon rondloop in die strate, sorgeloos kon daar na ‘n aandjie uit en ‘n sopie of twee, rustig vanuit die middestap gestap word na die koshuis onder die Berg.  Die bergies wat nog wakker was, sou jou vriendelik dog plegtig pla om daai laaste los sentjies in jou sak, vir môre se halwe broodjie.  Min wetende sou meeste gee, maar daai broodjie-geld vir die dun lagie kos in sy maag, sou ‘n ander weg na binne vind.  Op die Parade moes jy eers stop om ‘n opslagte hongerte te stil, met ‘n ”Mama’s pie” en ‘n Rennie,  afgesluk met ‘n pienk melkie.

Sommige was meer bevoorreg as ander en het ouma of oupa se ryding geërf, iets wat direk aan jou populariteit gekoppel is, en dis toe hier waar Gysie se moeilikheid begin.

Gysie was die aangewese drywer vir die aand, maar dié word toe dors, sò dors dat hy heeltemal van sy amp en verpligtinge vergeet.  Na sy “pie” en Rennie, maak Gysie hom toe gereed vir die finale been tot sy huiswaartse tog.  Ai, maar Gysie kon mos nie saggies nie, hy moes nou hardop kommentaar lewer op al die stemme van die nag tot by sy bruin Datsuntjie.  Na ‘n vinnige gevroetel na sy moerse “Mamma is lief vir jou”  sleutelhouer, is hy binne en nes hy die “clutch” bietjie vinnig laat val, druk druk Oom verkeersman so teen sy ruit.

“En waarheen is U oppad Meneer?”vra die beampte.

“Ma’ bed toe, ek is mos moeg!” antwoord hy met ‘n lelike sleur in sy stem.

“Het jy iets gedrink vanaand Meneer?” kom die vraag van onder die hoed.

“Nie regtig nie, net so enetjie of twee miskien”, antwoord Gysie met die wete dat sy lot hier geboek is.

“Mmm liters ja”, mompel die beampte deur sy snor. “Klim maar uit Meneer en blaas vir my mooi in die pypie” sê die man met die onding in sy uitgestrekte hand.

Na ‘n gesukkel is Gysie uit en met die vars lug na sy brein beleef hy toe ‘n oomblik van helderheid.  

“Meneer, blaas hard en aanhoudend tot ek sê: Stop!” sê die beampte, so met die aangee.

“Is dié ding skoon?” vra Gysie terwyl hy die dingetjie na sy mond bring.

“Jong, blaas net!” word hy toegesnou, “jy’s verniet so traag.”

Met dié gooi Gysie sy kop agteroor en mond wawyd oop,  soos ‘n wilde gans blaas hy toe met oorgawe deur sy neus….  Nnnfffffff…  en weer, lank  en aanhoudend,  Nnnfffffff…

Die volgende dag is ons met smaak vertel hoe Gysie deur ‘n verkeersbeampte na die koshuis gebring is, hoed in die hand en arm om die blad.  Die arme man het glo so gelag vir Gysie se belaglikheid dat hy hom moes laat gaan;  wie kon dan suur bly na so ‘n vindingryke vertoning!

The BMI Machine

THE BMI MACHINE

Those who know me will know that I have always been a bit larger than the norm, a bit like Obelix I suppose.  Yes, I fell in the magic pot and was in there for a wile, it seems.  Supersized for life!!

Being so visible has its advantages and disadvantages, but let’s not dwell on that.  I have always said “As long as you breathe you can do something about it, a comeback of some sort you know.  Well I hope I am now on that comeback and that’s where I’ll start.

A couple of weeks back my lovely wife started a very strict diet and successfully lost eight kgs in a couple of weeks. (Please don’t ask me to convert things to stone.  I am always afraid that if I do so, I might be weighed in mountains in stead of stone) Anyways, being the supportive husband I am I thought I should probably join her, by doing so starting my new year’s resolution, albeit eight months late.

Dukan, I was told and after an hour long planning session, I was very happy to learn that meat, fish and chicken were high on the meals list and as a bonus for the first ten days, I SHOULD NOT eat any vegetables – surely a win-win situation.  That brought the next challenge…

The Weigh in:

As I mentioned earlier, I am big.  Like a heavy, heavyweight boxer, filling a room, but still light on my feet (I think, or that’s what my brain tells me anyway).  This does mean that a normal house scale is to no use to me and I need to make a bit of an effort to see how much gravity I drag along.  With excitement I found a Boots in Woodley, not to far from work and with the appropriate machine, a BMI monitor.  It took me 15 minutes to manoeuvre my cruiser to the parking lot, followed by the usual search for change to keep me legal and with a “bounce” in my step I was off to access the last years’ damage, full of hope that it was not too bad. 

Well, it did not start well. I was asked to go from one counter to the next, crossing the room several times, just to get change for the 50p I would need to be enlightened.  Eventually a senior employee with the correct authorisation came to my help, my ever so calm features, drawn into a red frown.  I was pointed to the machine neatly tucked between two of those picture processors. 

Without drawing more attention to myself, I quietly walked over and asked the one lady, in awe of her holiday pictures, to shift a bit to the left.

I stepped to the plate, to be measured, in all sense!!

“PLEASE STAND STILL WHILE YOUR HIGHT AND WEIGH ARE MEASURED!!!!” the bloody thing started.  I thought, Ok, just stand still and it will stop.  It didn’t.  Hysterically, I searched for the volume control.  It was loud, the lady to my left now further away as she saw me, desperate to kill the noise.  Well, needless to say, it did not help.  By the 11^th annoying prompt I realised that there would be no relief, I lost hope and just stood there, weak…   

so it measured….

By the time it finished, everyone knew why I was there and worse of all was the realisation that this could be a weekly occurrence. 

I still don’t know what stunned me more that day, my results or the patronising blaring BMI machine…

THE WAY TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM – BECOME AN OUT OF HOURS VET!

I will start by apologising to all honourable Vets that work long hard hours to earn a living.  I have 2 vets as friends, definitely falling into this category.

22:00 Monday evening, I saw my poor little Archie scratching his ear, for death.  This is not something unusual, but when he turned to me, with his head now sideways I could see in those black eyes that he’s in trouble.  You could see the questions in his eyes and when he tried to reposition him for an even better scratch, his head dropped to the left and he came off his feet. 

“A Bloody grass seed” I shouted in silence!!! With my heart racing I ran for the tweezers in the bathroom, hopefully I will be able to get it out before it screws deeper.  It was not a pretty sight as a sat with my little dog on my chest, positioned under the light I tried my best to keep him calm and see if I can see the damn seed.  After a call to Madél for a better, flathead tweezer I realised that we are in serious trouble and that it’s time to phone the Vets. 

Our Vets were closed as expected, but from Archie’s previous near death experience, I recall Madél mentioning an out of hours number for emergencies.  So I made the call and after being interrogated about the dogs’ eating habits, which I follow as advised by our own Vets, the type of seed it might be and how sure I am that there’s something in the dog’s ear, I lost my patience and slowly mentioned that I do have a dog with an emergency here, hence the reason for the call and that I would like to make my way there. 

Then the first warning sign, “Sir as you are aware, this is an out of hours emergency practice and it’s our custom to inform you of our Standard Surgery fee, before any treatment”.  Now, that certainly did not help my earlier conversation with the young lady and as much as I hated being pushed into a direction, there was no choice to what I should do.  She then further annoyed me by giving me directions to Junction 10 on the M4, when it should be junction 7.  I know it’s not Junction 10, because I drive there every day of my life to work, it certainly is not the way to Maidenhead and after intervention from the Vet, junction 10 became 7…

With Archie in my one hand, I searched for the keys and we were on our way.  I followed the roughly pencil scribbled notes to the surgery and long and behold, we made it.  I was greeted by “the friendly voice” over the phone and a middle aged couple at reception.  It would appear that they were trying to get their pet insurance documents printed from the Vet’s computer, the women being very upset but still behind the keyboard.  I mean at 10:30 at night having to prove that you have insurance!!! Alarm bells again!!!

My heart was pounding in my chest and I almost asked for a tranquiliser for myself. This after being told that I should realise that it might only be earwax.  Well, I managed to persuade her to go for the seed instead, which I knew was in there and that I won’t leave until I have had proof of its removal.  I even offered my help and after the first unsuccessful attempt, I could see that sedation was the only way forward, she was going to pierce his inner ear and if I saw any bleeding, the probing tool might end up where it’s not suppose to be.

Obviously I was then warned that this procedure would be much more.  I was left alone with Archie and after a couple of minutes of discussion (I suppose) a quote was brought to light. Well that gave a new meaning to the Game show, “The money or the Box” with the box in my case, not an option.  I was asked to wait in reception until they were done, not that I would intervene at this stage.   The half an hour became an hour.  During this time the couple mentioned earlier, reappeared and further discussions were held, revealing the reason to their excursion at this time of night.  Their cat must have hurt its foot, so badly that the vet cannot touch it, so it was “hospitalised” and on pain killers, the bill received was over £1300 so there was a reason to be upset and without a clear answer to what’s wrong with the foot, I would also worry about the bill escalating to more than their policy’s worth.  I did not have this worry as I would hold them to their quote and without the seed from Archie’s ear in my hand, nothing would be paid.  I was not in the mood for any surprises…

After another fifteen minutes the receptionist appeared with a big smile on her face and THE SEED in her palm, “everything went well” she said with relief on both our faces.  They brought my little boy out after another couple of minutes and I held him to my chest.  He was still recovering from the sedation and my heart sank when I felt his small body, tweaking with the return of life.  The last time he tweaked like that was when he had pancreatitis and it lasted for weeks afterwards.  This was apparently a good sign and as soon as he was able to walk, I paid the bill and left the Surgery and the grass seed behind.

….and as I hummed off another couple drove in with a dog in the back of their Passat, sure to bring veiled smiles to the occupants inside. 

After note:

I am not complaining about the service received, nor the 50 miles drive to get there or the 2 hours spent nervously waiting.  It’s the way they operate and that you don’t really have a choice when presented with the options.  

As humans, we will always choose life, with cost forcefully pushed to the back.

Brace yourselves, he's back???

Good afternoon friends

It's been more than 3 months since my last post.  Ashamed I won't be, for it's been a crazy set.  So many things happened, from South African business ventures, a Royal wedding, the work reassignment of my wife, which lead to a lovely week long holiday on the Isle of Wight after an amazing South African Thanksgiving Festival on the Hop Farm and......

the Stormers are playing well.

The Good:


Well it will have to be our holiday on the Isle of Wight.  Some way overdue time with my wife and 2 dogs, Archie and Yokie.  I realised that it has been almost a year since Madél started her project work, working away from home and that it would be the perfect opportunity to do something special for her Birthday and to get some rest before my "year end" starts, so where better to go than one of our favourite destinations.

The setting was, as before, perfect and I realised how much the sea does for me not long after the villa was filled with home, even the Webber made it into the back of the Land cruiser.  Armed with my super-sized binoculars, I set myself up on the "patio" watching the fishing boats slowly chucking away from left to right, boye to boye lifting the days' treasure from the deep to the safety of the deck.  I sat there staring at the sails on the horizon, easing away all the stress, joining the crew on their gliding vessels.

Our mornings (and most evenings) consisted of taking long walks on the beach with the dogs.  Archie seems to love this the most.  He turns Keyser Soze when he sees that white line taunting him from side to side, chasing it until he can no more, leaving the rest of the family exhausted for his sake.  Yokie on the other hand gently strolls along, nose to the ground (seeking something to eat or disgusting to roll in, I suppose) every now and again, raising her golden head to avoid Archie's frantic rush, then shaking it, wondering "Where did you get this one"?  Well, it does not matter, at least he fully enjoyed himself and I know he will sleep like a baby that night...

Leaving the lovely beach with the dogs exhausted, we would then set off on our daily venture, visiting all the lovely villages with shops to cater for all. We tried to plan every day ahead, with the hope that we won't miss anything, but when Sunday came, there were still things to do, we again ran out of time.  I can strongly recommend the Island, there's things to do for everyone, from toddler to the well wise!!!!

On an exciting par, I can also confirm that I read a very good book during our stay.  I found the author's descriptive style and characters very refreshing and hope to return to another of his books soon.  The book is called the Templar's Sword and I can recommend it.

I also tried to catch up on some of my course work, but with limited success.  I have however decided that soon I will start putting pen to paper, or is it in these days, fingers to keyboard?  I already have the first line to by debut Novel...



the Sad:

We had to say goodbye to a dear colleague at work last week.  Roma was only 25 when she passed away.  It was very sad to see such an ever friendly and helpful person taken so early, it was a very moving ceremony. I have never seen such a distraught mother and I pray for peace and calm in her heart.

When our bus drove through the gates of the graveyard, I got chills to see so many graves to my left and right - our loved ones, the graves forever to be their final resting place on earth, wherever their souls might be.

Flowers were arranged that evening for my Dad's bed in Vredenburg...


and the Ugly:

This will have to be my garden, AT THE MOMENT. 
I won't go into to much detail, but I think it's suffice to say that it needs my urgent attention.  I believe (hope) the dogs found the wild style reassuring and an adventure, but soon the "wild rustic" will be something of the past, to be replaced by something tranquil and to be enjoyed.  (I am still sure I saw a similar style garden at Chelsea, last year!!?)


Well there you go friends, now I want to hear from you. 

I wish you all well and that we'll soon meet again...

The deep new waters...

My dear friends

It's a Friday afternoon, the weather is lovely and I should be outside in the fields with my dogs or under a thorny African bush, looking at the waterhole as the wild closes in to quench their thirst...

Instead, I am close to Reading in a glass box, trying to sort out my Blog settings so that I can reply to all your friendly (well I can be hopeful) comments, but the water seems a bit deep for this man, albeit from the West Coast of South Africa, used to "plakkie duik". To my English friends and those that does not know its how we catch crayfish where I am from. You are in shorts and flip-flops (plakkies) and to keep the cold Benguela stream from changing more than your voice, you also have burning in your stomach 3 glugs of Obies or Old Brown Sherry - It's the only thing that works against the cold!!

Anyways, the frustration I bare this afternoon is to reply to comments.  I have had some feedback from a Dutch gentleman, but still I am unable to comment on any Blog or reply to comments.  Please bare this in mind when you leave a comment, I will reply to it as soon as I can.

I will have to leave it for the moment and return to the accounting millstone.

Before I go, please have in your thoughts all mankind that suffers, but especially those from Japan, Libya and Africa.  We are Blessed to be safe, healthy and able!

Have an excellent weekend, with this good weather I will soon have to get those old gloves out and prepare my back for serious gardening.

Till next time
Conrad

Welcome to my Blog

Welcome all,

I hope you will find my Blog interesting and informative.  I hope to post on a regular basis and already looking forward to reading your thoughts on what's happening around us.

Please feel free to subscribe and enjoy this journey with me.

Kind regards
Conrad